Me?
Naw, naw, I don't mind. What?
Just...just say who I am?
OK. My name's Richard Mayhew,
and I'm in securities.
Jessica, come on, come and say hi.
Richard...
Hello.
London? Yeah, it's all right.
I've lived here for a couple of years now, and, um...
...I don't...I don't get lost on the Underground any more.
Er, let's see, I like curry.
And, oh, I collect those wee...
I collect those wee plastic troll things.
Richard, please!
Dislikes? Heights.
Don't like heights. Hate heights.
I don't know. The usual things, I suppose - rats, blood, all that.
Describe myself...
Normal.
Boring.
Good laugh.
Was that 0K?
(H U RRIED FOOTSTE PS)
(PANTS RAPIDLY)
(KNIFE FLICKS)
(RAT SCREECHES)
Now, there's one rat that won't be telling any more tales.
Rat tails.
(SNORTS, LAUGHS)
(MUNCHES) Mmm! Mmm!
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello, Richard?
The MD needs to know when he 'I[ have the Wandsworth report.
Can you give me five minutes, Sylvia? It's almost wrapped up.
Than/(5, Dick, I ’I[ come do wn for it.
(PIERCING SCREAM)
(WAILING SCREAM)
(GROANS)
(PHONE RINGS)
Mayhew.
Richard? It ’sjessica.
Jess.
Jessica, Richard, notJess.
Now, you have planned our reservation for tonight: haven ’t you?
You haven't forgotten, have you?
Forgotten?
No, I haven't forgotten.
It's Ma Maison at 7.30.
Shall I just meet you there?
After what happened last time?
Richard, you could lose yourself in your own back garden.
I'll meet you down at your place, and we can walk together.
Yes, Jess. Sorry -Jessica.
- Good! - Agh!
(GROWLING)
(PANTS H EAVI LY)
(PHONE RINGS)
Richard Mayhew.
It's me - Gary.
Gary! Idiot!
Are we still on for that drink?
Get Off the bloody phone, Gary. Course we are.
Well, Mr Vandemar, she's slowing up.
Slowing up, Mr Croup.
She must be losing a lot Of blood, Mr V.
Lovely blood, Mr C.
Lovely, wet blood.
Won't be long now.
Dick.
Dick, it's after seven!
It's what?!
She's gonna kill me!
I'll catch up with you later, Gary.
- See ya! - So our drink's off, then?
(GROWLING)
Richard, what are you doing?
- Nothing, Jessica. - Good.
Now, Mr Stockton isn'tjust my boss, Richard,
he's also a corporate entity in hiS own right.
So it's vital you make a good impression tonight,
- fiancé-wise. - I can't wait.
- What was that? - I can't wait!
Can you spare some change, mate?
- Richard, we haven't got time. - Thanks, mate.
Mr Stockton's got a bit of a thing about punctuality.
0h, Richard, I do love you. You know that, don't you?
The only reason I push you
is because I want you to make the best of yourself.
Well, bless my little black soul, Mr Va ndema r.
Do you see what I see?
I spy with my little eye...
...something that's going to be...
Dead in a minute, Mr Croup.
Buggeﬂ
SYLVIA: They'll probably have us sitting by the door.
Now, it is vital that you laugh at Mr Stockton's jokes.
If you're in any doubt as to whether to laugh or not, just take your cue from me.
- Now... -Jessica.
- Jessica! - What?
- Look! - If you pay them any attention, Richard,
they'll walk all over you.
They all have homes, really, you know.
Now, I've told Mr Stockton that we...
Richard, what are you doing?
She's hurt. She's bleeding.
Richard, we're going to be late!
- She's hurt! - Richard!
DOOR: Take me somewhere safe.
They'll find me...
- Help me. - Look,
call the emergency services, but don't give your name.
No, please...
Not a hospital.
SYLVIA: You may have to make a statement or something,
and I'm not having this evening ruined by...
Richard Oliver Mayhew,
you put that young person down and come back here this minute,
or this engagement is at an end, as of now.
I'm warning you!
Shit!
Keys. Oh, where's my keys?
Couldn't have shut it properly.
Oh.
Listen.
I'm going to call a doctor. OK?
- Can you hear me? - No...
Don't.
Ijust... (MUMBLES)
It's not as bad as it looks.
Ijust need to Sleep.
I'll be fine.
No doctors.
(SCOFFS)
But your arm!
(DISTORTED TON ES)
(GROWLING)
(ROARING)
(SCREAMS)
Bad dream?
Yes, sort of.
You're up, then.
Whose barony is this? Whose fiefdom?
Sorry?
Where am I?
Flat 3, Newton Mansions, Little Compton Street.
I'm in London Above.
Yes, you're in London.
(WHISPERS) God...
I found you on the street last night. Remember?
There was...
- There was rather a lot of blood. - Don't worry.
Most of the blood was someone else's.
Here.
What's your name?
Richard.
Richard Mayhew.
Richard Richard Mayhew Dick?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, Lord! That'll be Jess.
She is gonna kill me.
Right, you wait here.
A good morrow to you, good sir, on this fine and beautiful day.
Hello.
We are conducting a personal enquiry of a delicate nature, as it were,
door to door.
Do you mind if we come in?
Well, it's not very...
It's not very convenient right now.
Are you with the police?
(BOTH CH UCKLE)
Alas, we cannot claim that felicity.
A career in law and order, although indubitably enticing,
was not inscribed on the cards Dame Fortuna dealt my brother and me.
NO, we are merely private citizens.
Allow me to make introductions.
I am Mr Croup and this gentleman iS my brother, Mr Vandemar.
Your brother?
Shouldn't you have the same name?
What a brain, Mr Vandemar.
Keen and incisive isn't the half of it.
Some of us are so sharp we could just cut ourselves.
What do you want?
We are looking for our little sister, Doreen -
a wayward child, wilful and headstrong -
whom, even as we speak,
is wandering the streets of London, unloved and uncared for.
She has close to broken our dear poor widowed mother's heart.
Ran away.
She's a little...
...funny.
NO, haven't seen her. Sorry.
(SNIFFS)
What do you think you're doing?!
Stop it!
Get out!
If you don't get out, I'm phoning the police.
Thought I needed to use the toilet. Didn't. Sorry.
You will tell us if you see her?
Goodbye!
- Spit. - (HAWKS, SPITS)
Did you believe him?
Did I buggery? You could smell her.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Hello?
- This is jessica. - Jessica.
You embarrassed me very deeply last night.
Hello? Jess?
As far as I’m concerned, our engagement is at an end.
- Jess! - I have no intention
- of returning the ring... - I am here!
- ...nor indeed of ever seeing you again.
I trust you and your new flame...
- Jessica! - will burn in hell.
- Goodbye! - (MACHINE BEEPS)
- Bad news? - Yes!
Very bad.
That's you, isn't it?
The photograph's me.
And you are...Doreen.
I'm Door, Richard Richard Mayhew Dick.
Milk and sugar?
Richard.
Just Richard!
NO sugar.
Look, if this isn't too much of a personal question,
what happened to you?
Oh, you don't want to know.
Oh, well. I'm sorry...
Richard, honestly, you don ’twant to know.
It wouldn't do you any good.
You've done more than you Should have already.
Well, I mean...
...I couldn'tjust have left you there.
You could have. You didn't.
- SO where were you just now? - I was here.
Look, those two are still around.
We need to get a message to someone that can help,
but I don't dare leave here.
- Are they really your brothers? - Oh, please, give me a break.
Look, is there somewhere you could go, somebody that you could phone?
My friends aren't on the phone.
Breadcrumbs!
Sorry?
(COOS)
I really don't see the point in this.
I mean, it's not a homing pigeon.
It'sjust a normal London pigeon, you know?
The kind that craps on Lord Nelson.
That's right.
0K - cprrrrrr.
You're looking for the Marquis de Carabas.
- You got that? - (COOS)
Atta girl!
This is important, now.
- You mustn't... - (COOS)
Oh, I'm sorry.
You know what you're doing. Of course. Of course.
Do you know, it almost sounded like it understood you.
(IRONICALLY) How about that?
DAVID ATTEN BOROUGH: Within hours, all the eggs hatch.
- (CHANGES CHANNEL) - The arrest followed...
Neighbours. . .
SO what are we waiting for?
A reply.
What kind of reply?
Listen, when those men came over...
- Croup and Vandemar? - Yes.
They're not exactly men.
- (SQUEAKING) - Jesus!
Richard!
It's all right, it's OK, it'sjust a rat.
Of course it was a rat!
You've scared it, poor thing.
Hi. Are you OK?
I'm sorry. He's an idiot.
I am not an idiot!
- Sh! - (SQUEAKS)
Hello.
It's a rat.
Yes, it is.
Are you going to apologise?
What?
Apologise.
To a rat?
(SQUEAKS)
I'm sorry ifI startled you.
- (SQUEAKS) - NO, he really does mean it.
He's notjust saying it.
Right, so what have you got for me?
DOOR: It’s a message from de Carabas.
just follow these directions.
0/(. Walk west up Oxford Street Turn left into Hanwa y Street
left into Hanwa y Place, then right again into 0rm lane.
Stop at the second streetlight you come to.
This is the one.
(READS) Then turn around thrice, widdershins.
Widdershins is anti-clockwise, Richard.
(RUMBLE 0F THUNDER)
(SIGHS)
Hello.
Is anyone here?
I'm Door's friend.
(THUNDER CRASHES)
Mine, I believe.
De Carabas, at your service. And you are?
- Er... - You are Richard Mayhew,
the young man who rescued our wounded Door.
- How is she now? - She's fine.
Her arm's still a little bit...
Her recovery time will undoubtedly astonish us all.
Her family have remarkable recuperative powers.
It's a wonder anyone managed to kill them at all, isn't it?
Somebody killed Door's family?
We're not going to get very far
if you keep repeating everything I say, are we?
Now then, sit down.
She knows I don't come cheap.
Why did she send for me? What's the deal?
She said that she wants you to accompany her home,
- wherever that is... - Yes.
...and she wants you to fix her up with a bodyguard.
And she's Offering?
Well, nothing.
She's Offering me...nothing?
(THUNDER CRASHES)
Well, she didn't say anything about money.
She just said that She'd have to owe you a favour.
Exactly what kind of favour?
A really big one.
She said she'd have to owe you a really big favour.
Did you leave her on her own?
- Yes. - With Croup and Vandemar out there?!
Well, what are you waiting for? Come on!
I need to get her to the market.
The next one's in...two days' time, if I recall correctly,
as, of course, I unfailingly do.
- I can hide her until then. - Market?
The floating market.
But you don't want to know about that.
- But why...? - No more questions.
(GHOSTLY WHOOSHING)
There's a little something I need to organise first - insurance.
When we get into daylight, don't look down.
Why not?
- Agh! - Somebody wasn't listening, was he?
I... I can't move.
Of course you can move.
Or if you don't, you can stay here until your legs freeze
and you tumble to a rather messy death.
Basta rd!
BAILEY: Bit of claw. Bit of mustard.
DE CARABAS: Old Bailey.
What a delightfully unexpected surprise running into you here!
You're not wanted here, de Carabas!
Get away!
You're looking wonderfully healthy.
And is that a new hovel, or have you redecorated?
Charming, absolutely charming.
You all right, laddie?
I've got some bird cooking back there.
Do you want some? It's rook.
Er...no. Thank you.
I don't recognise you.
What barony do you give fealty to?
- What's your name? - Shut up. Don't say another word.
People who put their noses where they aren't wanted
sometimes lose them.
Now, you've owed...
...you've owed me a favour for 20 years, Old Bailey - a big favour -
and I'm calling it in.
- I was a fool. - Yes.
No fool like an old fool.
Do you know what this is?
IwiSh I didn't.
- Keep it safe for me. - I don't want it!
You don't have any choice.
Right, better get a move on, hadn't we?
Can I ask a question?
No, you don't ask any questions. You don't get any answers.
You don't stray from the path.
You don't even think about what's happening to you right now.
Got it?
Excuse me, I know that this is a personal question,
but...are you clinically insane?
That's very unlikely. Why? Well...
...one of us must be.
Mind your head.
(GRUNTS)
Hmm.
Not at her best.
Richard, you did it!
Well, yes.
My Lady.
Oh, do get up, de Carabas. I'm pleased you came.
My pleasure, ma'am.
- Your Offer was quite acceptable. - Later.
Richard.
- Thanks. - You're going?
I'll be safe now, more or less...
I hope.
Where are you going now?
I'm out of your life, and...you've been wonderful.
Wait. What ifI need to get in touch with you?
You don't - ever.
And I'm sorry, OK?
NO, don't...don't be sorry.
There's nothing to be sorry about. It was...
...fun.
Taxi!
Here, taxi!
Come on!
- WOMAN: Are you all right with that? - Sorry I'm late.
You wouldn't believe what it was like trying to get here.
WOMAN: Yeah, well, we'rejust going down, through the corridor...
RICHARD: It was a nightmare!
- Over there. - Sylvia, what's going on?
I'm sorry?
The desk.
Where are they taking my desk?
(CHUCKLING)
Gary!
GARY: Yeah, we could do that.
Gary, what's going on?
Is this some kind ofjoke or something?
Gary, this is notfunny.
I don't know what everyone's playing at, but have I been fired?
Then just tell me that I've been fired.
But all this pretending that I'm not here...
Hi, I'm Gary Perunu. Can I help you?
No.
I don't think so.
Jess!
Jessica, thank God!
I think I'm going mad or something.
...you wouldn't believe what has been happening to me!
(LAUGHS) I'm sorry...
You're going to think I'm absolutely awful.
I know we've met before, but I've got a dreadful memory for faces.
Yes, Mrs Simmons.
Tomorrow, we'll get the lads in
to clear out the previous tenant's accoutrements.
You can pick up the keys from my office then.
That's right - flat 3.
Excuse me, I live here!
We can have you all settled in by Wednesday.
This is not happening.
(PHONE RINGS)
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Hello?
Mr Ma yhe w?
Yes.
You can hear me!
(LAUGHS) Thank God! Who's this?
My partner and I met you on Saturday.
We were making enquiries
as to the whereabouts of a certain young lady.
Do you remember?
Oh, yes. It's you.
Mr Mayhew, you said that Door was not with you.
We have reason to believe you were embroidering the truth,
more than perhaps a little.
Well, you said you were her brother.
All men are brothers, Mr Mayhew.
She's not here any more, and I don't know where She iS.
We know that.
We are perfectly cognisant of both those facts.
And to be magnificently frank, Mr Mayhew -
and you want me to be frank, don't you? -
were I you, I would no longer worry about the young lady.
Her days are numbered.
And the number in question isn't even in double digits.
Look, why are you calling me?
Mr Mayhew, do you know what your own liver tastes like?
I'm phoning the police. You can't threaten me like this!
Mr Mayhew, you may call anyone you wish,
but I'd hate you to think we were making a threat.
Neither myself nor Mr Vandemar make threats.
Do we, Mr Vandemar?
Oh, no?
Then, what the hell are you doing?!
We're making you a promise...
...and we know where you live.
You knew!
Bastards!
I knew this would happen.
Oh, no!
Can you spare any change?
Here. Keep it.
There's about £1,500 on that...
...if you can get to it.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
This and 60p - get me a nice cup of tea.
You can see me!
There's nothing wrong with my eyes.
Listen, have you ever heard of a place called a floating market?
I have to get there.
There's a girl called Door.
Look...
I really need help.
Please.
OK, I'm sorry I troubled you.
Hey!
Come on!
Down here! Quickly!
SO why can you see me when... when no-one else can?
It's not that they can't see you.
They see you, but they don't look at you.
They don't notice you. And by the time they turn the corner,
they've forgotten all about you.
They do the same to me.
Where are you taking me?
Down. Some people I think you ought to see.
What?
What is it? What is this?
Who have you brought us, Iliaster?
Talk. Talk.
Talk!
He's from Upworld.
Asking questions about the floating market. And Door!
I brought him to you, Lord Rat-speaker.
I figured you'd know what to do with him.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
I know exactlywhat to do with him.
Um...